FAQ: Frequently Annoying Questions

I subbed for Wash Cycle's Center City commercial cyclist yesterday and today. I'm no stranger to commercial cycling delivery, but the Center City route is dramatically different in many ways. My former North Philly route can sometimes have appointments up to 5 miles away from each other. Contrast that with Center City, where sometimes there are 3 or 4 clustered within just a block or two of each other. This means a lot of zig-zagging...I mean, look at this route:

Cakewalk

Center City also means more people, which means more pedestrian and customer interaction. Today was no exception.

I've received a lot of inquiries in my time as a delivery cyclist. My responses usually vary depending on how much small talk I feel I have time to engage in, and of course, whether or not I feel like engaging in it at all. I heard many of these between yesterday and today, and as such, I decided to post common questions with some snarky responses.

I just want to clarify that I never said the vast majority of these things, no matter how badly I wanted to. The legitimate responses are noted. That's the true art of customer service. That said, maybe I should put a link to this on a business card and start handing them out. OK. Maybe not.

Here goes something:

Q: That's gotta be hard work, right?
A: Unless you think pulling 300 pounds of anything is easy, then yes.

Q: (As I speed past a jaywalker) Yo, is that fun?
A: Yes. You know what's even more fun? Avoiding jaywalkers and abruptly stopping my full rig to talk to them.

Q: You must be in great shape.
A: That's not a question, but yea. I'm pretty much a body builder.

Q: How do I get a job? (This is a legitimate question I'm more than happy to answer)
A: Go to our website, www.washcyclelaundry.com.

Q: Do I need to know how to ride to do your job?
A: Well, if you want to be a delivery cyclist, yes. Duh.

Q: Where do I get one of those trailers?
A: Let me Google that for you (trust me - click the link).

Q: Is that a washing machine on your trailer?
A: Have you ever seen a washing machine that looked like a laundry bin? Do you know how much a washing machine weighs WITHOUT laundry in it? No? OK.

Q: Whatcha got in there, trash?
A: Yea. Hop in! (Actually, some pedestrians think the laundry bins are their own personal trash cans, so occasionally the answer is actually yes. Ask me about the lady attempting to chase me down with her trash.)

Q: Hey man, you got an extra cigarette?
A: No, I don't smoke, and even if I did, I don't know that an extra cigarette is actually a thing.

Q: Would you like a bottle of water? (Legitimate)
A: Absolutely.

Q: Hey buddy, why don't ya just use a truck?
A: Because. Why don't ya just mind your own business?

Q: (Usually a UPS or FedEx guy) Hey buddy, can you move this? You're blocking me.
A: If I had a dime for every time y'all blocked the bike lanes and loading docks I frequent, I'd be a millionaire. Sit on it and rotate.

Q: Yo can I get on the back?
A: No. How old are you? (Adults ask this question more than kids, believe it or not.)

Q: Get the f*** off the road, asshole!
A: Again, not a question, but no.

Of course, this isn't to say that we don't get our fair share of praise. I love the moments when I ride through somewhat desolate neighborhoods and you hear someone say "Yo I like that! I want one of those!" or something to the similar effect. There's also this guy I see near City Hall (this goes back years) who always says "Yo Spin Cycle! What's up, man?" and I always smile and nod or say "What's up?" in response, even if he does mess up our brand name.

And the best responses are not questions, but satisfied customer remarks, which are quite frequent. I'm ultimately happiest when no one says anything at all, because that means things are going smoothly, but even more so when they say something nice.

I'm scheduled not to be on a bike tomorrow for the first time in what feels like months. Kinda gonna miss it, not gonna lie...